I love control. I need control. I’ve always needed control. The loss of it sets my mind and body on edge. I thrive on control. It’s a sign of a deeper underlying issue I’m sure. However, it’s something that I, and those close to me, have learned to live with. My control is established through my routines. That’s something I’ve mentioned before but oh, my love of a routine. Routine keeps the parts moving along. My systems and my routines are my anchors. I don’t like for things to be thrown out of whack. I must have a plan and if it falls away from the path I have set, all hell breaks loose. That’s how it feels, anyway.
I am very systematic. As I sit here, writing this entry, my mind is going through all of my routines. I have one for everything. That’s control. Now, admitting, sometimes I lose control. There are a few areas of life in which my self-control is futile. That’s something I’m working on. Those areas are few, though.
A couple of years ago, one of my systems was disrupted. I was desperate to get it back exactly the way it was. I see no need to improve or manipulate a system or routine that worked beautifully. It needed to be done, though, and things haven’t been the same sense. There is still a slight kink in everything. Nothing can get back to the smooth flow it once had.
That’s very frustrating. I said earlier that the loss of control set my mind and body on edge, well it does. Most days the systems perform well and things go as I had planned them out in bed the previous night and in the shower that morning. See, planning. I’m always planning. I always know exactly how things should go. When there’s a problem, I can’t just make an adjustment. There’s a process for that, too. I have to use techniques I learned in counseling to keep my cool and to make seem that the hiccup isn’t that big of a deal. When the reality is, my shoulders get tense, my chest will start to burn, and my pulse will increase. This physical reaction is almost as annoying as things deviating from what I had planned.
Control is tricky. It’s something I appreciate and something I feel like I need. When it’s slipping (or seemingly slipping) away, I have a physical reaction! (Again, I’m sure, if you know anything, you are diagnosing me. Friend, that’s fine. If you think it’s too serious, message me. For real, I will.) However, in those moments of disruption, I realize that I am not the one actually in control. More than likely, that the point of the physical reaction. A not so subtle reminder that it’s not all on me. I have roles and responsibilities but at the end of it all it’s not all on me. I am merely a vessel, I am a part of it. I’ll never understand exactly why I was chosen to be part of the plan but I am. So, in spite of my desire for control, I will continue to do my part. I will obediently follow being continually refined in the process.