Lionel!

So, I recently went to a concert by myself. I enjoyed the mess out of it.

Lionel Richie announced earlier this year that his “All the Hits Tour” would be making a stop in New Orleans. First of all, I lost my ever loving mind. I knew I had to see this show. It was originally scheduled for May but it had to be moved. Lionel was enough of a draw for me but then I found out Mariah Cary was on the tour also and I quickly realized this was an opportunity not to be missed. I’ll admit I wanted to see Mariah live to see if she’s actually lost her touch. Boys and girls, she hasn’t. She didn’t move a lot and I do question her wardrobe choices but she did it. She’s still got it. She hit one signature extraordinarily high note and I heard it and saw her do it with my own eyes. She did the hand up to the ear and everything. It was great.

Lionel, though. Oh, my goodness, Lionel.

I’ve had a lifetime love of Lionel. I distinctly remember “All Night Long” being a song featured on a commercial for “Top Party Hits of the 80s” or something like that as a very young kid. I remember playing a snippet of the video and thinking “Yes, I need this complication CD or tape because this one song is AMAZING.” I remember seeing the video for “All Night Long” as a young child and loving it. I also think my Mama had a Lionel tape, which I’m sure I listened to. He’s an artist among artist. He has such a great catalog of music from the Commodores to his solo career. “All the Hits” indeed. Friends, he put on an amazing set. AMAZING! He sounds great. He moves great. He is funny. He’s engaging on stage. He plays to the people in the audience and has fun. He was there to have a fun and make sure we did, too. I did.

I had an end seat so I had plenty of dancing room. I screamed. I sang along. I shook with excitement.  I don’t think I’ve been that excited to see an artist live since I saw Judah and the Lion a while back. After Mariah’s set, the stage was covered and I debated whether or not that was a good time to take a restroom break because I didn’t want to take a chance on missing any part of Lionel’s show. Thankfully, the line moved quickly and I made it back to my seat with enough time to continue to talk myself down. Seriously, if I had been there with a friend, I would have grabbed them and screamed. I was that excited. I mean, the man is a legend. If you don’t think so, we need to talk. Really. You’re living a lie.

The lights went down, the curtain went away, lights flashed, and that iconic “Hello” echoed and there he was in a silver jacket walking onto the stage as a piano appeared from the center of the stage. It was magical. Absolutely magical. I had great seats, I had room, I bought a t-shirt (because, duh, I did), that area sang “Say You, Say Me”, “Sail On” “Brick House”, “Hello”, “Stuck on You”, “Truly”, and “All Night Long”. I would have stayed in that area forever begging him to keep coming back on stage. Thankfully, he and Mariah did not sing “Endless Love,” I’ll be honest and admit that was a thing I didn’t want to happen. It would have ruined the song. (No, it wouldn’t have. That’s not possible. I would have been disappointed though.) It was a great night.

So, friends, if you ever get the opportunity to see Lionel Richie in concert… DO IT!! Sing, dance, even if you’re by yourself!

July

Well, the end of July coming means that sadly the end of Summer is coming. I’m excited to say that I do have 5 things for this month! Yay! Sorry, I got lazy and only had 4 for June. So, here’s my 5 favorite things for July!

The Newsroom

The Newsroom focuses on the anchor and crew of “News Night” and gives a dramatized, behind the scenes look at what it’s like deciding what news should be. It’s interesting to see a scripted show take on history, which this series does. I discovered it on Amazon Prime and have watched all three seasons, wishing it had gotten one more. It’s been a pleasure of a show to watch and it’s one I would gladly watch through again. The acting is great, it’s well written. It has just the right balance of humor. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest checking it out.

Naps

Summer at my place of work means summer hours. This means getting off of work at 4 instead of 5. In the 5 (almost 6) years I’ve worked at this institution, this is the first summer I’ve gotten to enjoy getting off work at 4. First, it’s weird. There’s so much of the day left. Secondly, I’ve developed a nasty habit of wanting to take a nap when I get home at 4. It’s a nasty habit because it messes up my night time sleep, which already has a proclivity to being messed with for reasons like anxiety and stress. Naps, though, y’all. They are wonderful. Absolutely fantastic. The best nap being Sunday afternoon naps. Yes. There’s something about Sunday afternoon naps that makes me incredibly happy. Maybe it’s because it’s the Lord’s day and he commands we find rest. I don’t know. I do know that I enjoy Sunday afternoon naps. I enjoy them immensely. Lately, I’ve gotten to enjoy quite a few rainy Sunday afternoon naps. Those are really my favorite. Yes. Naps.

Pinterest 

Yes, Pinterest. Now, I’ve had a Pinterest account for quite a long time. However, I’ve recently re-discovered the magic of it. You find so much inspiration there. Sure, some of those inspirational ideas our outlandish but they provide inspiration. (I’m not going to use that word anymore in this post.) Also, the number of recipes you can find on Pinterest is insane! It’s helpful for someone like me. I enjoy research. I enjoy learning about stuff, lots of stuff. I often turn to Pinterest to find articles or websites to help me with the things I’m currently into. Lately, it has been a lot of Paleo related stuff.  I’m really going to give that a go. It means no bread and no cheese. That’s a bummer but I’m going to really try to live a Paleo life. Thanks, Pinterest!

She Reads Truth

I’ll admit that since my dad passed away, I’ve had a really difficult time getting into my Bible on a daily, or even regular, basis. It was hard for many reasons. I’m not going to go into that here. However, after almost a year and a half of not being consistently in The Word, I knew I needed to make a change. She Reads Truth has helped before, its helping now, and it’s an excellent resource. They have studies which can be found on their website or on their app. The studies have daily devotionals. The things I like about these devotionals is that is they encourage me to dive deeper into the Word. Also, the focus isn’t just “what does this scripture say to me?”. Often, it’s “what do these passages teach me about God?” That, boys and girls, should be the focus of your Bible study. She Reads Truth has provided me with the ability to do my daily reading at my desk (which is not ideal but lately that’s how it’s been working out) and provides the spur I’ve needed to get into the wonderful Word of God again. It’s great and if you need help with a daily or regular study, I recommend checking out what they have to offer.

Purple Hair

Yes, you read that correctly. I am obsessed with it and have been since about January. I’ve attempted since February of this year to have purple hair. It was an idea encouraged by my best friend when she wanted fun hair for Mardi Gras. What better time to have purple hair then Mardi Gras? How about all of the time! So, since February, I’ve been getting my wonderful hairstylist to make my hair violet. I’ve always wanted pink hair but in order to have pink hair, you have to bleach. I’ve done that. I used Sun-In for an entire summer between 7th and 8th grade and it was a mistake. A big mistake. Also, bleaching your hair is bad. Not that dying your hair every 3 months is great. Anyway, yep, purple hair. I want it. I feel like I need it. Maybe it’s being 29 and suffering from “Peter Pan Syndrome” that makes me want it. Maybe it’s my desire to be a little different. Maybe it’s because I love the idea of it. I’m not sure. However, I am obsessed. (Seriously, check out my Hair and Beauty Pinterest Board. So much purple hair!)

 

So these are my favorite things for July! Please comment with some of your favorite things. I think we could learn from each other. Is there a hair color your obsessed with? A TV show you’ve happened upon that you love? Do you have a Pinterest account? Let me know!

 

June’s Top 4

Y’all, summer is here. It’s been hot, muggy, rainy, and hot here in New Orleans. I’ll be honest, I’ve been inside a lot. I haven’t been to the pool too much because they close that thing down quick at the threat of thunder (which is the safest thing to do) and I haven’t had as many snoballs as I had planned because I’m trying to stop spending so much money. It’s not an easy task.

That being said, I’ve had a hard time coming up with 5 things for June. Seriously, I like a lot of things but it’s hard to pick out 5 favorites for the month. So, I picked 4. Sorry, y’all. It difficult thinking of stuff that I really like. I like a lot of things but who knew it would be such a task to pick a few out and write about them.

The more you know.

YouTube Red. 

Guys. Before you say anything about “It’s stupid to pay for YouTube!” or how creators that have shows on the Red platform are sellouts, let me mention a few things about YouTube Red. BACKGROUND PLAY. Yes, friends, if you’re playing music on the YouTube app on your phone or your tablet and you ‘close’ the app, it still plays! Also, you can watch all the videos you desire without commercial interruption. Which is glorious and damning at the same time. Why? Because I can just stay where I am and watch my favorites without for hours on end. Like I said, glorious but damning. I get caught up in the happiness of the videos and get nothing done. Then I get depressed because I got caught up in the videos and got nothing done.

Also, you can watch all the videos you desire without commercial interruption. Which is glorious and damning at the same time. Why? Because I can just stay where I am and watch my favorites without for hours on end. Like I said, glorious but damning. I get caught up in the happiness of the videos and get nothing done. Then I get depressed because I got caught up in the videos and got nothing done.

Also, the content available through Red is pretty great. While I’ve only enjoyed only a few shows that are exclusives, they’ve been great. Also, you get Google music with Red which means commercial-free music. So, you can watch YouTube and listen to Lionel Richie on Google Music until you are completely happy. It’s one of the best choices I”ve ever made, even if it was an impulse decision. (I’ve written about that somewhere, I think. Or maybe I’ve just told a few people about it. I don’t remember.)

Summer Storms

While it keeps from enjoying the pool, I love a good storm. Here in New Orleans, we have storms almost every afternoon. I don’t know why exactly. I suspect it has something to do with all the water around us and the heat and the bowlness of the city. (I could be completely wrong. I’ll have to do some research on the science of why.)  That’s two things you can count on in the summer. A smothering blanket of heat and rain. However, rain happens to be one of my favorite things so I enjoy the storms that roll through. It gives me a good reason to get cozy on the couch and read. It also cools things off, slightly. The other downside it that sometimes it rains hard. Hard rain in NOLA means flooding. (Again,

That’s two things you can count on in the summer. A smothering blanket of heat and rain. However, rain happens to be one of my favorite things so I enjoy the storms that roll through. It gives me a good reason to get cozy on the couch and read. It also cools things off, slightly. The other downside it that sometimes it rains hard. Hard rain in NOLA means flooding. (Again, bowlness, the water pools, and the place fills up!) Despite those things, it is one of my favorite summer things.

Cup O’ Coffee Face Mask

Have I mentioned that I love coffee? I do. It’s my favorite beverage. The smell, the taste, the way it makes me sane. I love it. I also love Lush (I know I’ve talked about that before). The incredible thing about Lush is that they make things that allow me to enjoy my favorite things in a way I didn’t think possible. We’ve all had that experience of smelling freshly ground coffee and have thought “This smells so glorious. I want to immerse my body in it.” I also feel this way about the first cup brewed to start the day. Thanks to Lush, dreams that dream can come true. They have a face mask that has coffee and coffee grounds in it!

We’ve all had that experience of smelling freshly ground coffee and have thought “This smells so glorious. I want to immerse my body in it.” I also feel this way about the first cup brewed to start the day. Thanks to Lush,  that dream can come true. They have a face mask that has coffee and coffee grounds in it!

It’s amazing! You can see how they make this incredible thing here. I use it two to three times a week. It helps wake me up and makes my skin feel super soft and smooth. Also, I think caffeine has external benefits as well as internal so it’s a win-win. I get to enjoy coffee in a way I would have never imagined! Have I mentioned that I love Lush?

Double Walled, Vacuum Insulated Tumblers

This is one of those things that I was slow to get to. First, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Sure, the tumblers look great. Sure, they supposedly keep your drink cold (or hot) for a long time. Sure, you can put a cool decal or sticker on them to personalize them. But was it necessary? Well, friends, the answer is yes. I purchased one recently and I don’t regret it at all! It keeps ice for an incredibly long time. This is a feature that is handy during the summer heat I mentioned earlier. They are also easy to clean. Another big plus is that it seems to be the safest drinkware you can use. Now, I know there are conflicting reports about drinking from plastic and the dangers or non-dangers of it but after doing some research I felt like I needed to take the plunge on a fancy tumbler. It wasn’t a huge investment but I drink out of this thing all of the time! It’s a great thing for the summer.

Well, friends, the answer is yes. I purchased one recently and I don’t regret it at all! It keeps ice for an incredibly long time. This is a feature that is handy during the summer heat I mentioned earlier. They are also easy to clean. Another big plus is that it seems to be the safest drinkware you can use. Now, I know there are conflicting reports about drinking from plastic and the dangers or non-dangers of it but after doing some research I felt like I needed to take the plunge on a fancy tumbler. It wasn’t a huge investment but I drink out of this thing all of the time! It’s a great thing for the summer.

So, those are my favorites for the month. I will get more consistent about posting this list at a regular date. I’m figuring this out so bear with me, please. I hope you have a great summer. Eat lots of watermelons and enjoy the sunshine (with sunscreen, of course) and swim. I’ll have 5 next month I promise.

 

 

18 Months (or How I’m Learning to Embrace Being a Member of Medicated Nation)

Time goes on. There are books and counselors that tell you this.  Everyone else you that there are good days and bad days. I’ve compared the process before to waves in the ocean. That’s the only way the idea of the process makes sense in my mind.

There are periods of calm and stillness. There are times of peace and easy breathing. The air is just right and enjoyable. Then suddenly, there is an increase in the number of waves that roll in. They increase in steadily. Slowly becoming more and more powerful. Suddenly, you can’t stand. You have to turn away and try to regain your footing and catch your breath but you can’t because the waves are coming too fast and they are too big.

This is the process. This is how it feels. This feeling isn’t always tied to the grief I have.  It’s tied to other things. Lately, I can’t figure out what is causing my inability to catch my breath and find my feet. However, I knew the waves were getting too big. They were constant. There was no relief. So, I went back to something I had hoped I was done with.

I’ve made it now secret that I went on anxiety and depression medication after my father passed away. I knew I needed something because I didn’t feel anything emotionally and when the overwhelming feeling of panic would creep up into my being after the smallest thing happened. The only thing I would feel was the sick, hot, nauseating feeling of crushing anxiety. There was no drive. I wasn’t eating or sleeping. I was not enjoyable to be around, I’m sure. I became a shell. I also became concerned. So, I went to the doctor and got of medicinal help.

Science is amazing and the fact that a little pill and some exercises (physical and mental) can help so much was a true blessing. Friends, “blessing” is not a word I use lightly. It made a tremendous difference. I felt better. I got back to doing things that are normal. I felt again. Genuinely felt. Like, the spectrum of emotions, not just three. It did wonders. I continued to move through the process and take my meds like a good girl and 10 months later felt safe and “good” enough to stop.

Looking back 10 months might have been too soon. While I’ve maneuvered my way through this process- which is, yes, largely grief related but there are other things at play too- and I thought I was hitting a new level. I thought I was reaching a point where I could venture out further from shore. I could hold myself up a better when the waters stirred again. However, I realize now that there are steady holding patterns of being stuck pretty much in the same spot. There actually wasn’t a great difference.

I have been standing in the same spot for months. While I think some slight improvements have been made, I’ve realized I’m not quite as strong as I hoped. After an extended period of being on the cusp of a panic attack for almost 3 months, I surrendered. I can’t explain where the anxiety came from or why it had such a hold. I tried using the tools and tips I’ve gained to help resolve the issue but it was to no avail. I made the call and asked for a new prescription. It feels like a huge backslide. It feels like a failure. While I have no shame of actually taking the medication. I do feel shame about not being able to combat the waves. I feel defeated that I couldn’t stand. Even the techniques I learned in counseling helped but they didn’t have the

Now, there is no shame in taking medication for what ales ya. If you take a medication for a condition like depression, anxiety, OCD, or anything else, please be affirmed. You are doing the right thing. Make sure and take your meds. Drink plenty of water. Eat healthy foods. Get some exercise and have some laughs.

However, it feels like a huge backslide for me personally. It feels like a failure. While I have no shame of actually taking the medication. I do feel shame about not being able to combat the waves. I feel defeated that I couldn’t stand. The waves got too big and stayed big for too long. I was drowning. I didn’t want to be but I was. Maybe no one realized it but its kind of hard for drowning to go unnoticed. So, here I am. Feeling like I’m almost back at the beginning of what life was like 18 months ago.

I will continue on, though. Is it something to really be ashamed of? No. It is part of the process. (I’ve got to find another word for this. I’m over that term. Suggestions welcomed.) This is real life and it’s part of my story. The ups and downs keep coming and you do what you have to do to make it through. Time goes on.

May’s 5 

Wow! May is winding down quickly, so crazy! It’s time for my top 5 for the month. This month is kind of a mixed bag but I think it’s some fun things.

The pool.

Oh gosh, I don’t think I can fully express my love of the pool. It has been a love that I’ve had since I was a little child. Some of my earliest memories involve the pool. The smell of a pool brings all sorts of fun memories and summer rituals to the front of my mind. It’s something I’ve probably said before but the pool is a happy place. Truthfully, any body of water makes me feel better. Even if I’m just looking at it. The pool, though, is something special. Since it’s May, it’s hot already here in NOLA and thankfully the pool on campus opened a little earlier this year. I’ve already been once and I’m planning a lot more visits. I will be covered in sunscreen but I intend on being out there quite a bit. I just love the pool so much! SO MUCH!!

Iced Coffee.

First, coffee is my favorite beverage. I’ve been a coffee drinker since I was a year old. I know that because it’s marked on my baby calendar. It follows a long tradition of giving babies “coffee milk” because the babies see their parents drinking coffee and they, of course, want in. I am a black coffee kind of girl and have been since I was 16. However, in the summer, there’s just something so dang refreshing about a well brewed iced coffee. I will have iced coffee occasionally throughout the year but the heat (and humidity, the air is like a freaking blanket. So warm. So very warm. And heavy.) causes my consumption to increase significantly. I love that it’s been discovered that the best method for iced coffee isn’t traditionally brewing coffee and then icing. No, friends, you must cold brew for iced. Fortunately, there a few spots in New Orleans that do it right. It’s not the national chains either, no sir. Local places, that’s where the iced coffee is best. Also, almond milk, not dairy. The heat. You don’t want that milk in there when you’re out trying to enjoy a nice day by the pool. (That may not be true but it’s something I’ve always heard. “Don’t drink milk during the summer if you’re going to be outside.” Is that just a Southern thing?)

Cold Case Files. 

Yes. Just yes. I (along with my best friend) have a new entertainment addiction. I’ve seen episodes of the show before but recently, we’ve been binge watching them (individually and together). It does weird me out a little because some of the cases used in the show are kind of scary. However, it provides an immense amount of almost mindless entertainment. It’s education in the sense that it makes you realize that DNA analysis of evidence didn’t start until about 1997. That’s only 20 years ago, y’all. The very thing that makes or break cases today wasn’t even available until the late 90’s. THAT IS CRAZY!  The most interesting cases are the ones in which they interview the perpetrators. It’s incredible and sometimes shocking to hear their reasoning for their actions. It’s scary yet satisfying because the cases get solved. It also provides interesting topics for conversations.

The Public Library.

Gosh, yet another place that stands prominently in many summer memories. I love books. Absolutely love them. I love reading. I love the way a book feels in my hands. I love the way they smell. I love looking at covers and reading bios on authors. I just love everything about books, including buying them. Well, when you live in a small apartment and don’t have any amount of room for the layers of bookshelves you wish you could have, you go to the library. It’s great. You get to read the books you want without them taking up precious square footage. You have a plethora of reading material available to you FOR FREE! (Unless you are like me and you get more books than you can read at one time and overlap a little on renews and get fines. But hey, fines aren’t too bad, they help keep the library in business.) My library trips increase in the summer, I’m not exactly sure why. I know as a child it was because the more book I read, the more personal-sized pan pizzas I could get from Pizza Hut. Shout out to you, Book- It program! Also, most libraries have a summer reading program so I participated in those. Not only were there books, there were also crafts. It was my own personal heaven. I still have a deep love for the library and I believe I always will.

Snoballs.

Friends, I previously mentioned the blanket of heat and warmth that takes over Louisiana in the summer. It is especially heavy in New Orleans. I don’t know if it has to do with the bowl that this place is or it is below sea level but dang y’all, it get hot. Thankfully, Louisiana (especially New Orleans) has something that helps. Snoballs. First, yes, that’s spelled correctly. Secondly, no, my sweet unknowing friend, it’s not a snow cone. A snoball is fine warm weather treat. Typically served from March to about September (sometimes October because global warming is real and Louisiana is on freaking fire until then) at stands all over the state (and practically on every other street in NOLA). They are a glorious creation of fine, snow-like ice and deliciously flavored syrups. Very often stuffed with ice cream and topped with rich condensed milk or fruit toppings. I love snoballs and I usually want them regularly between March and September. I love trying different flavors but a favorite is Nectar Cream or Pina Colada stuffed and topped with pineapple. Yum! It’s a Louisiana original and now place else can replicate the sweet relief that snoball stand snoball brings.

These are my top 5 for this month which is also the 5th month, weird! I hope you find something you can check out and enjoy! Feel free to share your favorites for this month with me!

 

Lil’ Crunchy.

About 2 years ago, I started on a mission. A mission to make things in my life greener. Some would even say it’s “crunchy” or “granola”. I prefer “crunchy” but “lil crunchy” because I’m not completely there, yet.

It started with reading an article about how candles were essentially poison. They (being normal candles that you can get anywhere), evidently, release toxic ashes and soot into the air, polluting your home and causing you to die a slow death. This was shocking information because I love candles. They make your house smell good, they are mesmerizing to watch. The make some that have fancy wooden wicks and they crackle, which is relaxing!

This information was life changing! Why on earth would I want something in my home that was making my home and my lungs gross? So, I started the process of researching. First, to find out if this article was actually true. Second, to find an alternative. There was some validity to the article and I found the alternative. Wax melts. So, I began to feverishly research wax melts and became obsessed! I realized I couldn’t get just any wax melts, though. I researched and purchased handmade melts with essential oils, flowers, glitter, colored with food safe dye and made from organic, safe waxes. I became obsessed and now have a collection to last a lifetime. (I’m not sure what happened. I got crazy ordering those things. I mean, I have some that are pizza-scented. How you make pizza scent with essential oils, I don’t know. If you want those, holla at me.)

The candle article hit a place in me that set things in motion. Not only have I become the person who only uses soy or beeswax candles, I’m now the person who uses safe sunscreen, green cleaning supplies, and purchases ethically sourced flowers. This kicked off a process that is still rolling. Thanks to an article about candles, I’m now a person who carefully reads labels and looks for things that are ethically sourced, organic, free range, small batch, and “Leaping Bunny Certified”. I don’t use any beauty products that were tested on animals. I don’t buy meat if it’s not grass or grain fed. I use cleaning products that have natural oils in them. I purchased organic bug spray recently because I’m now someone who doesn’t want to get bitten but I don’t want to fend the creepies off with a chemical which could harm the bugs and myself.

I’ve also become the person who would rather treat ailments naturally. Have a headache? I have a handy roller which consists of a blend of oils that may help. I also have a variety of things mixed into coconut oil which is supposed to cure various ailments. I still have ibuprofen but I don’t want to take it if I can help it.

Did I just say that? Yep. I did. How in the world did I get here?

I just wanted to not get the black lung because of candles! I didn’t intend on becoming the one who has specific needs when it comes to the things I allow in my home! I mean, I clean pretty much everything with vinegar and baking soda now. Seriously. I am that person. Why? I’m not exactly sure. Fear is definitely on the list (have I mentioned I’m an anxious person likes research? There is a lot of research and “research” out there, y’all.)

One is reason is health. I want to be a healthy person. I want to make smart choices and I want to keep certain conditions at bay if I can. I don’t have a stellar family history in this area so if buying grass fed beef can helps ward off diseases, I’m for it. If drinking a specific type of tea can help keep my gut healthy which can, possibly, lower my risk for certain types of cancer, BRING IT ON!

Another reason is just trying to take care of what I’ve got. If using things that don’t contain harsh chemicals helps keep things around me a little cleaner, cool! It’s also a bonus if helps protect the environment. I want to have a low carbon footprint. I don’t want the ice caps to melt away or cause damage to the Ozone layer. So, if the stuff I use to clean with somehow prevents that, yes, please! It’s a strange line of thought, I know. However, shouldn’t we strive to take the best care of ourselves and our surroundings? Isn’t that kind of part of the point?

I realized today that a lot has changed in the last 2 years when it comes to the things I buy. Yes, buying things that are green, clean, organic, free-range, and ethically sourced are a little more pricey. Yes, sometimes I have to go to specific stores because the usual big box stores don’t have what I’m looking for. Yes, it would be easier to just not care so much or try so hard.

I’m committed now. I am the one that’s a little crunchy. I’ve made switches in life that I never would have considered making. I mean, I use deodorant that’s handmade. HANDMADE DEODORANT. I order it offline! I use a face cleanser that made from almonds, clay, and lavender flowers. I have a shampoo that had bananas in it. This the life I live now. I owe it all to an article about candles.

Crazy.

Control

I love control. I need control. I’ve always needed control. The loss of it sets my mind and body on edge. I thrive on control. It’s a sign of a deeper underlying issue I’m sure. However, it’s something that I, and those close to me, have learned to live with. My control is established through my routines. That’s something I’ve mentioned before but oh, my love of a routine.  Routine keeps the parts moving along. My systems and my routines are my anchors.  I don’t like for things to be thrown out of whack. I must have a plan and if it falls away from the path I have set, all hell breaks loose. That’s how it feels, anyway.

I am very systematic. As I sit here, writing this entry, my mind is going through all of my routines. I have one for everything. That’s control. Now, admitting, sometimes I lose control. There are a few areas of life in which my self-control is futile. That’s something I’m working on. Those areas are few, though.

A couple of years ago, one of my systems was disrupted. I was desperate to get it back exactly the way it was. I see no need to improve or manipulate a system or routine that worked beautifully. It needed to be done, though, and things haven’t been the same sense. There is still a slight kink in everything. Nothing can get back to the smooth flow it once had.

That’s very frustrating. I said earlier that the loss of control set my mind and body on edge, well it does. Most days the systems perform well and things go as I had planned them out in bed the previous night and in the shower that morning. See, planning. I’m always planning. I always know exactly how things should go. When there’s a problem, I can’t just make an adjustment. There’s a process for that, too. I have to use techniques I learned in counseling to keep my cool and to make seem that the hiccup isn’t that big of a deal. When the reality is, my shoulders get tense, my chest will start to burn, and my pulse will increase. This physical reaction is almost as annoying as things deviating from what I had planned.

Control is tricky. It’s something I appreciate and something I feel like I need. When it’s slipping (or seemingly slipping) away, I have a physical reaction! (Again, I’m sure, if you know anything, you are diagnosing me. Friend, that’s fine. If you think it’s too serious, message me. For real, I will.) However, in those moments of disruption, I realize that I am not the one actually in control. More than likely, that the point of the physical reaction. A not so subtle reminder that it’s not all on me. I have roles and responsibilities but at the end of it all it’s not all on me. I am merely a vessel, I am a part of it. I’ll never understand exactly why I was chosen to be part of the plan but I am. So, in spite of my desire for control, I will continue to do my part. I will obediently follow being continually refined in the process.

via Daily Prompt: Control