Now, this is not an emotional post.
It’s an honest one, though. In fact, you may question my sanity after reading it. I’m totally fine with that, by the way. My sanity does need to be questioned because it is questionable. Second note, this is a post about my birthday. I will admit, I’ve become obsessive with my thoughts towards this particular birthday. Some of the reasoning for that is what I’ll go into here. (I use the term reasoning loosely. Like I said, I’m ready for and expecting my sanity to be questioned.)
Birthdays. There are a lot of mixed feelings about them. Some folks love birthdays. Some hate them. Some ignore them. I, personally, love the idea of birthdays. I love the idea of celebrating life. I like participating in birthdays. I have dreamed of throwing myself a party but have never done it because anxiety is a real thing, y’all. It’s incredible that we keep up with age. It’s so important. It’s also incredible that some ages carry more with them. For example, the 10th birthday is celebrated a little bit bigger because double-digit status has been achieved! 13th birthdays are celebrated because teendom is looked upon excitedly by the ones entering it but feared by everyone else. 16th birthdays are a really big deal because, for some reason, it’s deemed fine for these semi-adults to drive (it’s not smart really, brain development, guys. They still can’t make a smart decision because their frontal cortex isn’t ready! I know, I studied human development and I was once also 16 and dumb.) When you’re 18 you can go into bars but not drink, you can buy cigarettes and lottery tickets. Then, 21 is big deal because you can drink legally, despite the brain still not being all the way cooked. Wonderful. Then there are no more big birthday celebrations.
That is until you reach another 0 birthday. That 0 birthday happens to be 30 and lordy be, that’s the birthday I’m encroaching upon (have surpassed if you read this after January 15th). The idea of turning 30 is weird. I’m so grateful that I’ve lived this long and still have good health. I’ve never had a surgery or broken a major bone. I’ve completed school, gotten a big girl job where I have insurance and a retirement account. Nice but also weird. I don’t feel equipped to have these things. I’m not deserving of a retirement account. Who retires? How does one retire? People actually do that? Wait a minute, people actually turn 30?
What does it mean? Why does it feel like I’m waiting for something? I’m anticipating this new decade of life with a tinge of excitement but mostly confusion.
In about the last month, I have been overwhelmed by this feeling of anticipation. It almost equals the anticipation/excitement/nervousness I felt when I went to Austin for the Tour of Mythicality (yeah, I’m going to keep bringing that up. Sorry not sorry.) Why do I have this anticipation? I feel like there’s something people aren’t telling me about getting to this milestone. Is there an Ages and Stages Questionnaire? I know about development and I know that those things help. Is there one? Will it help me figure this out and make sure I’m on track for a 30-year-old ‘adult’? What am I waiting for? What’s going to happen? It certainly feels like something is about to happen.
Am I the only one who’s felt this way about 30? Did anyone else have this experience? I know I’m thinking too much about it but welcome to the way my obsessive and anxiety wired mind work. As the day gets closer, I feel more anxious and it’s getting to be too much. I want to celebrate this achievement of getting to live 30 years on this weirdo planet but at the same time, I almost wish it would just pass over me. I also wish this wondering feeling would go away.
It’s the weight of waiting. That’s how I can best describe it. I have no idea what I’m waiting on! I’m just waiting. Waiting for January 15th to come and for 3:14 PM to show on the clock so that it’s officially official. Maybe my fairy godmother will finally show up or maybe I’ll breakthrough on an idea I’ve been working on. Maybe that’s when the Lord will make his return (who know, I don’t think that and I certainly don’t have the ability to predict that but enough people come up with other strange reasons to set a date for that even though the Lord Christ himself said he didn’t know…That’s for another time and another place, let’s get back on track). Maybe that’s when I realize growing up isn’t so scary. Maybe I’ll finally be comfortable enough in my own skin and with my own self at the exact moment I entered this earth 30 years ago. I’ll let you know what happens.
Maybe I’ll celebrate this day like I’ve planned.
I want my friends to gather together and eat bad food (because you only live once and bad food is a need from time to time) and go play like kids at Dave and Buster’s, where we act like fools and work to get all the tickets to get absurd prizes with, and then go out for ice cream and coffee.
That’s the dream. It most likely won’t happen because anxiety and also because I don’t deserve that. No one else wants to eat cheesesteaks and play arcade games and pick out crazy prizes and that’s fine. I’ll wait for the day to come and then I’ll wake up the 16th and see if anything has changed.
A new decade.
Exciting but weird.
Have you had a birthday that you waited on with great anticipation? What is your dream birthday celebration? What was your favorite birthday? Do you think milestone birthdays should change? Let me know!