“Fake news” seems to be a popular term today and often it’s used to deflect any type of truth or accusations but I won’t go into that.
I want to address something today that actually is fake news. I also want to blame the media for making me think that this time in my life would be magical and just wonderful.** While I know that entertainment doesn’t set the narrative for life, I believe we can all admit it does contribute to ideas we have about it. This thinking is wrong but it’s something we all do.
30 is NOT magical.
I had hoped it would be. I dreamed it would be the upswing I had been hoping for but it’s not.
There are so many movies and shows that make it seem like reaching this milestone birthday, especially women who reach the age of 30, experience this change. These movies portray women embarking on this stage of life as finally getting it all together. Or at least, somewhat getting it together. Incredible things happen. They’re happy. They can suddenly face anything, coming out nearly unscathed. Life is working for them.
Now, I know that things don’t magically happen at the rate they do in movies or television shows but because of these things, I had expectations. From the first day of this journey, I was let down.
I had planned a birthday party. I had put hours and hours of research and planning and ideas into a party. I knew who I wanted to invite, I knew how I wanted to it look, I knew what I wanted to have to eat, and where it was going to be. I knew that it was going to be fun.
Then, my anxiety kicked in and I got scared that no one would want to come or have fun. I ended up not doing much of anything for my 30th birthday. I hate the way I celebrated it. I’m grateful that my mom was here to be with me but honestly, there was nothing about it that was very celebratory.
In all honesty, it’s been downhill from there.
First off, things changed almost immediately after I turned 30. My skin changed. I decided to change my hair to a more natural look and it’s been getting lighter by itself ever since. My attitude changed (this was self-induced, sadly). Lots of things changed and not for the better.
Suddenly, I feel like I’m experiencing puberty all over again but just the negative aspects of it. There’s an awkwardness to this age that I didn’t expect. Lots of tears. There’s also a lot of realizations and reflection that I was not prepared for. Especially the realization that I’m in a super weird stage of life.
I’m 30, single, and I’m working my tail off (though I could work harder. If you know of any very part-time positions, let me know please!) I’m the odd man out. Literally. There is no one in the group of people I associate with who are in a similar boat. Or if they are, they are they have no leaks and both the oars.
Yeah, I had imagined my life would look different by 30 but I was (emphasis on was) fine with how it was going. Then, shortly after this birthday, I wasn’t. I wasn’t ok with anything in my life. This thinking is mostly a sin problem and I can admit that. (It’s also something I’m working on, slowly but surely.) However, looking for jobs in the field I desperately want to be back in and getting told “no”, hurts. It hurts deep. Not being able to move from my current residence is aggravating. Feeling like I don’t really belong anywhere and not having someone who can sympathize with me or anyone to identify with is isolating. It also creates the feeling of being stuck. Stuck in any way someone can be stuck. It’s a terrible, confusing experience.
30 is not magical. It’s weird and life-changing in a way that is very opposite of any way I imagined. I know movies are stories that can evoke emotions and that they aren’t real but they do help set a tone and play into expectations. Maybe I’ve just started 30 all wrong? Maybe I should have had that party like I wanted and things would be different? Perhaps I just missed the magic of the tri-decade celebration. I don’t know.
Was there an age that you thought would be magical? A time in life that you thought would be a catalyst for a change but it ended very differently from how you imagined? Was your 30th birthday a big birthday for you? Was it another birthday that you felt was a milestone? Let me know!
**Please, please, PLEASE understand the sarcasm in these first statements. Don’t @ me about “fake news” or anyone/anything related to it. I’m trying to be humorous. If you don’t get that or if it rustles your jimmies: GET A LIFE!