18 Months (or How I’m Learning to Embrace Being a Member of Medicated Nation)

Time goes on. There are books and counselors that tell you this.  Everyone else you that there are good days and bad days. I’ve compared the process before to waves in the ocean. That’s the only way the idea of the process makes sense in my mind.

There are periods of calm and stillness. There are times of peace and easy breathing. The air is just right and enjoyable. Then suddenly, there is an increase in the number of waves that roll in. They increase in steadily. Slowly becoming more and more powerful. Suddenly, you can’t stand. You have to turn away and try to regain your footing and catch your breath but you can’t because the waves are coming too fast and they are too big.

This is the process. This is how it feels. This feeling isn’t always tied to the grief I have.  It’s tied to other things. Lately, I can’t figure out what is causing my inability to catch my breath and find my feet. However, I knew the waves were getting too big. They were constant. There was no relief. So, I went back to something I had hoped I was done with.

I’ve made it now secret that I went on anxiety and depression medication after my father passed away. I knew I needed something because I didn’t feel anything emotionally and when the overwhelming feeling of panic would creep up into my being after the smallest thing happened. The only thing I would feel was the sick, hot, nauseating feeling of crushing anxiety. There was no drive. I wasn’t eating or sleeping. I was not enjoyable to be around, I’m sure. I became a shell. I also became concerned. So, I went to the doctor and got of medicinal help.

Science is amazing and the fact that a little pill and some exercises (physical and mental) can help so much was a true blessing. Friends, “blessing” is not a word I use lightly. It made a tremendous difference. I felt better. I got back to doing things that are normal. I felt again. Genuinely felt. Like, the spectrum of emotions, not just three. It did wonders. I continued to move through the process and take my meds like a good girl and 10 months later felt safe and “good” enough to stop.

Looking back 10 months might have been too soon. While I’ve maneuvered my way through this process- which is, yes, largely grief related but there are other things at play too- and I thought I was hitting a new level. I thought I was reaching a point where I could venture out further from shore. I could hold myself up a better when the waters stirred again. However, I realize now that there are steady holding patterns of being stuck pretty much in the same spot. There actually wasn’t a great difference.

I have been standing in the same spot for months. While I think some slight improvements have been made, I’ve realized I’m not quite as strong as I hoped. After an extended period of being on the cusp of a panic attack for almost 3 months, I surrendered. I can’t explain where the anxiety came from or why it had such a hold. I tried using the tools and tips I’ve gained to help resolve the issue but it was to no avail. I made the call and asked for a new prescription. It feels like a huge backslide. It feels like a failure. While I have no shame of actually taking the medication. I do feel shame about not being able to combat the waves. I feel defeated that I couldn’t stand. Even the techniques I learned in counseling helped but they didn’t have the

Now, there is no shame in taking medication for what ales ya. If you take a medication for a condition like depression, anxiety, OCD, or anything else, please be affirmed. You are doing the right thing. Make sure and take your meds. Drink plenty of water. Eat healthy foods. Get some exercise and have some laughs.

However, it feels like a huge backslide for me personally. It feels like a failure. While I have no shame of actually taking the medication. I do feel shame about not being able to combat the waves. I feel defeated that I couldn’t stand. The waves got too big and stayed big for too long. I was drowning. I didn’t want to be but I was. Maybe no one realized it but its kind of hard for drowning to go unnoticed. So, here I am. Feeling like I’m almost back at the beginning of what life was like 18 months ago.

I will continue on, though. Is it something to really be ashamed of? No. It is part of the process. (I’ve got to find another word for this. I’m over that term. Suggestions welcomed.) This is real life and it’s part of my story. The ups and downs keep coming and you do what you have to do to make it through. Time goes on.

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May’s 5 

Wow! May is winding down quickly, so crazy! It’s time for my top 5 for the month. This month is kind of a mixed bag but I think it’s some fun things.

The pool.

Oh gosh, I don’t think I can fully express my love of the pool. It has been a love that I’ve had since I was a little child. Some of my earliest memories involve the pool. The smell of a pool brings all sorts of fun memories and summer rituals to the front of my mind. It’s something I’ve probably said before but the pool is a happy place. Truthfully, any body of water makes me feel better. Even if I’m just looking at it. The pool, though, is something special. Since it’s May, it’s hot already here in NOLA and thankfully the pool on campus opened a little earlier this year. I’ve already been once and I’m planning a lot more visits. I will be covered in sunscreen but I intend on being out there quite a bit. I just love the pool so much! SO MUCH!!

Iced Coffee.

First, coffee is my favorite beverage. I’ve been a coffee drinker since I was a year old. I know that because it’s marked on my baby calendar. It follows a long tradition of giving babies “coffee milk” because the babies see their parents drinking coffee and they, of course, want in. I am a black coffee kind of girl and have been since I was 16. However, in the summer, there’s just something so dang refreshing about a well brewed iced coffee. I will have iced coffee occasionally throughout the year but the heat (and humidity, the air is like a freaking blanket. So warm. So very warm. And heavy.) causes my consumption to increase significantly. I love that it’s been discovered that the best method for iced coffee isn’t traditionally brewing coffee and then icing. No, friends, you must cold brew for iced. Fortunately, there a few spots in New Orleans that do it right. It’s not the national chains either, no sir. Local places, that’s where the iced coffee is best. Also, almond milk, not dairy. The heat. You don’t want that milk in there when you’re out trying to enjoy a nice day by the pool. (That may not be true but it’s something I’ve always heard. “Don’t drink milk during the summer if you’re going to be outside.” Is that just a Southern thing?)

Cold Case Files. 

Yes. Just yes. I (along with my best friend) have a new entertainment addiction. I’ve seen episodes of the show before but recently, we’ve been binge watching them (individually and together). It does weird me out a little because some of the cases used in the show are kind of scary. However, it provides an immense amount of almost mindless entertainment. It’s education in the sense that it makes you realize that DNA analysis of evidence didn’t start until about 1997. That’s only 20 years ago, y’all. The very thing that makes or break cases today wasn’t even available until the late 90’s. THAT IS CRAZY!  The most interesting cases are the ones in which they interview the perpetrators. It’s incredible and sometimes shocking to hear their reasoning for their actions. It’s scary yet satisfying because the cases get solved. It also provides interesting topics for conversations.

The Public Library.

Gosh, yet another place that stands prominently in many summer memories. I love books. Absolutely love them. I love reading. I love the way a book feels in my hands. I love the way they smell. I love looking at covers and reading bios on authors. I just love everything about books, including buying them. Well, when you live in a small apartment and don’t have any amount of room for the layers of bookshelves you wish you could have, you go to the library. It’s great. You get to read the books you want without them taking up precious square footage. You have a plethora of reading material available to you FOR FREE! (Unless you are like me and you get more books than you can read at one time and overlap a little on renews and get fines. But hey, fines aren’t too bad, they help keep the library in business.) My library trips increase in the summer, I’m not exactly sure why. I know as a child it was because the more book I read, the more personal-sized pan pizzas I could get from Pizza Hut. Shout out to you, Book- It program! Also, most libraries have a summer reading program so I participated in those. Not only were there books, there were also crafts. It was my own personal heaven. I still have a deep love for the library and I believe I always will.

Snoballs.

Friends, I previously mentioned the blanket of heat and warmth that takes over Louisiana in the summer. It is especially heavy in New Orleans. I don’t know if it has to do with the bowl that this place is or it is below sea level but dang y’all, it get hot. Thankfully, Louisiana (especially New Orleans) has something that helps. Snoballs. First, yes, that’s spelled correctly. Secondly, no, my sweet unknowing friend, it’s not a snow cone. A snoball is fine warm weather treat. Typically served from March to about September (sometimes October because global warming is real and Louisiana is on freaking fire until then) at stands all over the state (and practically on every other street in NOLA). They are a glorious creation of fine, snow-like ice and deliciously flavored syrups. Very often stuffed with ice cream and topped with rich condensed milk or fruit toppings. I love snoballs and I usually want them regularly between March and September. I love trying different flavors but a favorite is Nectar Cream or Pina Colada stuffed and topped with pineapple. Yum! It’s a Louisiana original and now place else can replicate the sweet relief that snoball stand snoball brings.

These are my top 5 for this month which is also the 5th month, weird! I hope you find something you can check out and enjoy! Feel free to share your favorites for this month with me!

 

Lil’ Crunchy.

About 2 years ago, I started on a mission. A mission to make things in my life greener. Some would even say it’s “crunchy” or “granola”. I prefer “crunchy” but “lil crunchy” because I’m not completely there, yet.

It started with reading an article about how candles were essentially poison. They (being normal candles that you can get anywhere), evidently, release toxic ashes and soot into the air, polluting your home and causing you to die a slow death. This was shocking information because I love candles. They make your house smell good, they are mesmerizing to watch. The make some that have fancy wooden wicks and they crackle, which is relaxing!

This information was life changing! Why on earth would I want something in my home that was making my home and my lungs gross? So, I started the process of researching. First, to find out if this article was actually true. Second, to find an alternative. There was some validity to the article and I found the alternative. Wax melts. So, I began to feverishly research wax melts and became obsessed! I realized I couldn’t get just any wax melts, though. I researched and purchased handmade melts with essential oils, flowers, glitter, colored with food safe dye and made from organic, safe waxes. I became obsessed and now have a collection to last a lifetime. (I’m not sure what happened. I got crazy ordering those things. I mean, I have some that are pizza-scented. How you make pizza scent with essential oils, I don’t know. If you want those, holla at me.)

The candle article hit a place in me that set things in motion. Not only have I become the person who only uses soy or beeswax candles, I’m now the person who uses safe sunscreen, green cleaning supplies, and purchases ethically sourced flowers. This kicked off a process that is still rolling. Thanks to an article about candles, I’m now a person who carefully reads labels and looks for things that are ethically sourced, organic, free range, small batch, and “Leaping Bunny Certified”. I don’t use any beauty products that were tested on animals. I don’t buy meat if it’s not grass or grain fed. I use cleaning products that have natural oils in them. I purchased organic bug spray recently because I’m now someone who doesn’t want to get bitten but I don’t want to fend the creepies off with a chemical which could harm the bugs and myself.

I’ve also become the person who would rather treat ailments naturally. Have a headache? I have a handy roller which consists of a blend of oils that may help. I also have a variety of things mixed into coconut oil which is supposed to cure various ailments. I still have ibuprofen but I don’t want to take it if I can help it.

Did I just say that? Yep. I did. How in the world did I get here?

I just wanted to not get the black lung because of candles! I didn’t intend on becoming the one who has specific needs when it comes to the things I allow in my home! I mean, I clean pretty much everything with vinegar and baking soda now. Seriously. I am that person. Why? I’m not exactly sure. Fear is definitely on the list (have I mentioned I’m an anxious person likes research? There is a lot of research and “research” out there, y’all.)

One is reason is health. I want to be a healthy person. I want to make smart choices and I want to keep certain conditions at bay if I can. I don’t have a stellar family history in this area so if buying grass fed beef can helps ward off diseases, I’m for it. If drinking a specific type of tea can help keep my gut healthy which can, possibly, lower my risk for certain types of cancer, BRING IT ON!

Another reason is just trying to take care of what I’ve got. If using things that don’t contain harsh chemicals helps keep things around me a little cleaner, cool! It’s also a bonus if helps protect the environment. I want to have a low carbon footprint. I don’t want the ice caps to melt away or cause damage to the Ozone layer. So, if the stuff I use to clean with somehow prevents that, yes, please! It’s a strange line of thought, I know. However, shouldn’t we strive to take the best care of ourselves and our surroundings? Isn’t that kind of part of the point?

I realized today that a lot has changed in the last 2 years when it comes to the things I buy. Yes, buying things that are green, clean, organic, free-range, and ethically sourced are a little more pricey. Yes, sometimes I have to go to specific stores because the usual big box stores don’t have what I’m looking for. Yes, it would be easier to just not care so much or try so hard.

I’m committed now. I am the one that’s a little crunchy. I’ve made switches in life that I never would have considered making. I mean, I use deodorant that’s handmade. HANDMADE DEODORANT. I order it offline! I use a face cleanser that made from almonds, clay, and lavender flowers. I have a shampoo that had bananas in it. This the life I live now. I owe it all to an article about candles.

Crazy.

Control

I love control. I need control. I’ve always needed control. The loss of it sets my mind and body on edge. I thrive on control. It’s a sign of a deeper underlying issue I’m sure. However, it’s something that I, and those close to me, have learned to live with. My control is established through my routines. That’s something I’ve mentioned before but oh, my love of a routine.  Routine keeps the parts moving along. My systems and my routines are my anchors.  I don’t like for things to be thrown out of whack. I must have a plan and if it falls away from the path I have set, all hell breaks loose. That’s how it feels, anyway.

I am very systematic. As I sit here, writing this entry, my mind is going through all of my routines. I have one for everything. That’s control. Now, admitting, sometimes I lose control. There are a few areas of life in which my self-control is futile. That’s something I’m working on. Those areas are few, though.

A couple of years ago, one of my systems was disrupted. I was desperate to get it back exactly the way it was. I see no need to improve or manipulate a system or routine that worked beautifully. It needed to be done, though, and things haven’t been the same sense. There is still a slight kink in everything. Nothing can get back to the smooth flow it once had.

That’s very frustrating. I said earlier that the loss of control set my mind and body on edge, well it does. Most days the systems perform well and things go as I had planned them out in bed the previous night and in the shower that morning. See, planning. I’m always planning. I always know exactly how things should go. When there’s a problem, I can’t just make an adjustment. There’s a process for that, too. I have to use techniques I learned in counseling to keep my cool and to make seem that the hiccup isn’t that big of a deal. When the reality is, my shoulders get tense, my chest will start to burn, and my pulse will increase. This physical reaction is almost as annoying as things deviating from what I had planned.

Control is tricky. It’s something I appreciate and something I feel like I need. When it’s slipping (or seemingly slipping) away, I have a physical reaction! (Again, I’m sure, if you know anything, you are diagnosing me. Friend, that’s fine. If you think it’s too serious, message me. For real, I will.) However, in those moments of disruption, I realize that I am not the one actually in control. More than likely, that the point of the physical reaction. A not so subtle reminder that it’s not all on me. I have roles and responsibilities but at the end of it all it’s not all on me. I am merely a vessel, I am a part of it. I’ll never understand exactly why I was chosen to be part of the plan but I am. So, in spite of my desire for control, I will continue to do my part. I will obediently follow being continually refined in the process.

via Daily Prompt: Control

Adjustments: Physical

It’s so strange to realize that habits you’ve cultivated need to be broken. It’s also disconcerting, especially if you’re a person who thrives on habits and routines. I am one of those people. This is an epiphany I’ve recently had. In an effort to get myself together (which, believe me, is a NEVER ending process), I’ve been attempting to get on my health in order. I have many reasons for doing this. Two of the top ones being that my parents health and my family history. You name it, it’s in there. My sister and I have always joked that we’re doomed health wise. If it won’t be cancer, it’ll be Diabetes, or Dementia, or we’ll go blind, have diverticulitis or crippling arthritis. We’re going to get something but we’ve still, sort of, tried to keep a check on ourselves (she more than me, so props to you, Sister!)

I’ve been fascinated with health and homeopathic remedies for as long as I can remember.  I bought a book as a young teen that explained how a vegetarian diet could do wonders. I specifically remember there being a list of food and their benefits listed in the back of the book. I was vegetarian for about 2 years. (Well, pescatarian. OK, I was mostly vegetarian.) We even pulled it out to help my dad. I don’t know where that book is now. I should find it. So, I’ve always tried to be healthy and make smart choices. I usually don’t but it’s not for lack of knowledge. It’s just usually convenience and my stress level that , ultimately, was the deciding factor for things that impact my health. I try but usually fail. Recently, since I’m not in school, my interest in health and homeopathic remedies has been renewed. I’m also more concerned after recent life events have made health seem even more important. Another thing that adds to my revisiting this topic is the fact that a milestone birthday is encroaching…so, yeah.

I’m a snacker. I don’t mean that I eat small meals. I mean that I have proclivity to want to eat nothing but snack foods. I love, LOVE, potato chips. Oh, gosh, they are my weakness. Chips and dip? Stop. It’s my favorite thing. I also really love crackers and cheese. Basically, anything crunchy, I’m fine with. However, that’s not the best choice. Sadly, a healthy body (and mind) does not cheese, crackers, chips, and queso make. You can’t, or shouldn’t, live on crackers, chips, cheese, dip, and fruit snacks. After realizing this, and after reflecting on the last couple of years, I knew a change had to be made. I am a 29 (insert crying emoji here, and come see me crying at my desk) year old woman who knows what meals should look like, has knowledge on what my nutritional profile should be. I can give that advice to other people and I have. I’ve given that advice freely. Yet, I cannot put this knowledge into practice for myself.

This, y’all, is a problem. After some deep reflection, I been questioning how I’m even alive. I’m pretty sure that for the last 3 years, I’ve lived off of the previously mentioned snacks,  dry cereal, Raising Canes, Wendy’s 4 for 4 and the occasional Taco Bell quesadilla. I probably have some sort of vitamin deficiency. I should go to the doctor and have test run.  It’s a wonder I had the physical and mental ability to finish my degree and do the things I was doing. How?!

The realization of what my diet consisted of and knowing that I do know better, (I’ve taken multiple nutrition classes, read so many studies, books, blogs, all the things. I was in charge of designing a menu for a school for goodness sake. I know about these things!) I knew something had to change. I had to start making a habit of eating actual meals that consisted of actual food.  Which means cooking but I’m fine with that. I enjoy cooking. It also means planning! I love planning but was never good with it when it came to food. Like I said, not being in school is really changing the game. I can look at recipes and do more than just admire them. I actually make them. I plan out what I will cook when. I even plan snacks ahead of time! It’s amazing. Things are changing.

However, it wasn’t just school that made making informed choices difficult. If you’ve seen any of my other post, you know that things have happened in the last few years. Those events affected everything. My ‘diet’ was heavily impacted by those events.  Making ‘right’ nutritional choices didn’t matter. I was worried about too many other things. So, when you’re so tired because you don’t sleep, you know you need something but you don’t care what it is. When you’re working 11 hours a day and don’t leave your work place, you will eat the stale Goldfish, and you’ll eat them in abundance. When you’re depressed and you haven’t eaten in almost 24 hours but you know you should, going through a drive thru is so much easier. When your anxiety is high and you’re on the verge of a panic attack, comfort food is much more appealing because you’re convinced the comfort food will soothe better. This was my thought process.

So, here I am, learning to make better choices and function like a ‘normal’ person (for the record, there is no such thing as normal, we’re all quirky, which is how it should be). It’s been an effort, but I think, so far so good. I’ve made marked improvements in just a few months. Especially, in my thinking of food. There’s thought put into what and when I will eat. I now have breakfast everyday. I’ve never been a breakfast person because I get up early. Always an early riser, never a breakfast eater, just coffee. Now, I have a smoothie every morning! I also, usually, go home and make something for lunch and supper. I still like my snacks but they’ve decreased significantly. I didn’t even buy chips last time I got groceries! (I did get crackers , though, because one thing at a time) Now, I know this isn’t perfect or even the formula that’s suggested (again, I do know about these things. It’s one thing to know, another to put it into practice.) The point is, I’m trying. I really am trying. Not just in this area of life but across multiple areas. It was time.

I’m making adjustments because they have to be made. I see the pattern I’m in and the one I’ve been in for years and I’m finally ready to break it. I’m ready to improve it. Not for vanity but because it matters. It has impact on my life! It’s also a process. It’s a process to get a healthier place. Again, not just physically healthy but healthy all over. I’ll write more about those adjustments later. I’m in process. I mean, who isn’t! Right? I just feel compelled to share about mine, for some reason.

April’s 5 Things

April is only about halfway over but I wanted to round-up 5 things that I’m loving right now. Maybe you’ll find something you can love, too!

Lush Blousey Shampoo. Y’all this stuff is made out of bananas. BANANAS!! It’s the first thing on the ingredients list. After adding purple to my hair, I needed something that would help keep my hair moisturized and color looking good. This shampoo is gentle but very cleanings. It smells incredible and it gives my hair some volume and shine. This is a Lush product that has been added to the list of “Products I must always have on hand!”. I LOVE it. Just to drive it home: Bananas. blousey

Beard and Lady Hair Oil.  I might have mentioned this glorious elixir before, I don’t know. If I have, oh well. I’m going to talk about it again. This is another “Product I must have on hand!” I use it probably 3 times a week. It’s made with Amla Oil which may need to be added to the list of wonders of the world. It feels great on my hair and helps make it soft. It helps me preserve my purple strands (or blonde or brown or black or whatever I’ve decided I want to do with this mop upon my head). I’ve been using it for at least a year and I’m obsessed. Again, another product that smells heavenly and does wonders for my hair. Bonus: It comes in a beautiful bottle with a wax sealed cork top. Beautiful and functional. (Also, I may or may not have three of these bottles in my bathroom right now because I can’t bear to throw them away!) hair_oil_1024x1024

Frankincense Oil.  So, um, yeah. I don’t know much about essential oils. I have some but I don’t really know what to do with them. I’ve made a couple of concoctions with coconut oil for various things. I’ve used them to make “Homemade Febreeze” and various other Pinterest products (because where else am I going to figure out how to use them?). This oil though is one I’ve started using daily. I’ve read several articles where it’s good for the skin and can help to provide some relaxation. In all honesty, I find it amazing that people swear by these things. There are people who have a very high view of essential oils. I am not one of them but I do believe they have benefits. Anyway, I’ve been adding just a drop or two to my moisturizer at night and I feel like it’s helping. It may not be, but I feel like some of my scars (due to pretty bad acne as an early teen) are getting better and my skin is getting smoother (I also credit my moisturizer, which is, surprise!, a Lush product. Lush Cosmetics, call me…on Twitter.) I also recently went through a stint where sleep was very elusive. I tried Lavender Oil and a few others but none had the effect Frankincense did. It just rub a little on the bottom of my feet and fell asleep pretty quickly. Weird. Nature is weird.

My Morning Smoothie. I have never really been much of a breakfast person. I have always been an early riser but didn’t want to eat until noon. So by noon, I was SO hungry, that I made poor choices because I needed food. Sometimes, I would want something at 10ish but my thought would be why eat now when lunch is in a couple of hours. I’m not going to say where this smoothie recipe came from because I don’t want anyone to judge me. However, I will say that I think it’s changed my life. I’ve been consistently drinking this smoothie for almost 5 weeks every weekday (not on the weekends because those are cereal mornings. Holla!) and it’s doing something, y’all. It keeps me full until lunch and since I’m not ‘starving’ when it’s time for my break, I’m eating good things. I did make an adjustment to the recipe, though. The original calls for protein powder but I don’t feel like I need that so I’ve added a Chia and Flax seed mixture to substitute. Here’s the ingredients:  almond milk, frozen blueberries, peanut butter, spinach. Again, the original recipe used protein powder, but I use the seed mixture instead. I don’t measure the ingredients but we all know how to make smoothies. Right? Trust me. It’s so good!

Couturie Forest (in New Orleans City Park).  I have a confession. I’ve lived in New Orleans for coming up on 6 years (WHAT?!) and didn’t think it was capable of having something like this. Since I’ve been here, my spot has been Lake Pontchartrain. Mostly because I love water but that’s Top 5 for another month. The Couturie Forest is a magical place located in City Park. There are trails that go along a lake, beautiful trees, lovely greenery, and unique bird houses. It provides the “get in the woods” experience this country girl at heart still occasionally needs. There’s also picnic tables and natural benches out there! It’s incredible. There’s also several geocache points within the forest (and in the park!). It’s an escape from the concrete and congestion. It’s also quickly becoming a place I like to hang out. I’ve taken a few Saturdays and have walked the trails. It also happens to feature one of the highest points in the city! It’s only 43 or so feet above sea level but around here, that’s elevation!

These are the things I’m loving this month! I hope to maybe make this a regular thing because it’s fun sharing the things I’m into. Also, you’ll get to see how varied my interest actually are. I like a lot of random stuff, I promise. Feel free to share your current top 5 with me! We can learn from each other! Yay!

 

Outlier

That is the term I’ve been looking for. Outlier (noun) “a person or thing detached from the main body or system.” I feel like an outlier of myself, of my family, of my friends. Why? Because I’m still dealing. I’m still sorting things out. I want to be done sorting it out but I can’t seem to get there. It feels like I’m on a treadmill. I just keep moving but I’m not going anywhere or making any progress.

I especially relate to the term by feeling like I am outside and cutoff from myself. Is that possible? It can’t be healthy. I can’t be good to feel detached from yourself. I do though. I feel like there’s a gap internally. I feel like I’ve been invaded or hacked. Something is still way off. In the past I’ve described it as empty feeling or lonely but I am an outlier. I am detached and separated. It’s not fun. It’s confusing and devastating. The outlier me is not anything I like. It’s like a clone of myself or something. The other me, the current me, does things that I absolutely hate. Flakey, drawn in, lazy, angry, sad, confused. I can’t get the fog out of my head. I can’t find the me that I want to identify with. Maybe the person I used to be has been snuffed out.

Maybe it’s just a part of life. Becoming detached is something you have to go through. It’s like erosion. It’s sad that it takes something away. It can cause problems so we try to find ways to stop it but it happens anyway. However, we accept it and we look at what’s been created and think “Well, maybe it isn’t so terrible. This process has actually made something kind of OK.” So, maybe eventually, the feeling of detachment will disappear and it will instead feel like everything is right.

That seems so dramatic and over the top. It feels I’m making it up, like I’m creating a character. Unfortunately, I’m not. This is a real feeling. It’s the most accurate description of how I’ve felt for a long time. I’ve used other words. Segmented. Detached. Isolated. Lonely. Depressed. Low. In truth, it’s probably something that needs to be evaluated by a professional. I try to fight it. I’ve almost convinced myself that  I’ll just wake up one day and I’ll feel whole and better and back to myself. I’ll find that attachment. However, detachment and erosion don’t work that way. The only way to gain back the connection is to build one. It won’t come back naturally. I’m no longer sure it’s worth trying to build a structure so that I can maybe feel a little more normal.  This is how the character has developed. There’s been a shift. So, detached and crumbling I look back and try to conjure up the person I was used to being. Grasping at tethers that snap off at the slightest pull. I am the outlier and there’s no way to reattach.

via Daily Prompt: Outlier