More.

As another year comes to a close, it comes to that time of year where you can see folks best of 9 post on Instagram, holiday photos are all loaded up, everyone is too full of indulgent foods, the decorations are coming down, and folks start talking about their resolutions. I don’t make resolutions, as I’ve stated before. I don’t like calling them ‘resolutions’ because that’s too daunting. The term sounds so official and serious. It sounds like there should be paperwork filed and government officials involved. Also, because of my personality, I prefer goals. Last year my goals were somewhat achieved. Some of my bucket list goals were achieved! 2017 was one of my better years. I’ve written about this already but I could write about it more. I won’t. So don’t worry.

For 2018, I want more. That may sound strange. However, I’m pretty sure it’s not more in the ways you first think. I was sitting in my mom’s house, in the woods where it as really quiet, and I thought about my goals for the new year. These goals had to be good ones because I’m embarking on another decade of life in just a few weeks! I needed good yet reachable goals that would help me usher in my 30s. (We’ll talk about how crazy that is later). I realized that I wanted more but not more stuff. I want more memories. I want more of things that have an impact that goes beyond myself. So after sitting there looking at the trees and light that streamed through them, wondering why I don’t like that level of quiet anymore, I wrote down my goals for 2018. Here they are:

  • More giving.
  • More doing.
  • More loving.
  • More dreaming.
  • More laughing.
  • More writing.
  • More reading.
  • More playing.

These are the things I want less of:

  • Less fear.
  • Less tears ( less sad tears. I cry when I feel any emotion strongly. I can’t help it. So I want less sad tears.)
  • Less what ifs
  • Less hurt

I realize that most (well, um, all) of the ‘less’ items require a lot of work and it’s not guaranteed that there will be less of those things. I also realize that really it’s out of my hands, I’m just here to follow. The more though, the more are things I really can work on. The more are things that can happen! There also things I really want. I don’t want them for me or for my benefit but for the benefit of others.

I don’t know if it’s this new level of trust in my spiritual relationship or if it’s a new level of maturity as I begin this dance with a new decade of life. (Why are the 0 birthdays the milestone ones? WHY? Also, is there such a thing as experiencing second puberty? Serious question. Is there? I need to do some research.) I want more of the things that go beyond what I can put on my walls or line my shelves with (except books, I would like all the walls with all the books because I love books). I want more of things that fill up others. There is a benefit to me being filled up too but that’s not the point. I want memories and more impacts that, hopefully, beyond the initial interactions. The hope is that it’s not me that remembered but the result of what happened is engraved into the memory of the other individual.

So more. I want more. That’s what my goals are for 2018. MORE!!

So what are your goals? Or resolutions, if you’re a brave person.

Are there things you want more of? Have your crossed items off your bucket list? How will you ensure that you’ll get to cross some of those off soon? What will you do to get more?

Yay for a new year!!

 

 

 

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Reminising

Well, dang y’all, it’s freaking December! What in the world?! It’s holiday time and time to look back on the year it has been. Admitingly, this year has been a better one for me. Not easy but a better one. I’ve had some really high points this year. I made some changes (not as many as I had hoped but…), I did a couple of really cool things. I realized some things. I learned. So I would say that 2017 was not too shabby, personally. I’m not going to talk about what’s going on in the rest of the world because depressing and oh gosh, that’s just a can of worms I don’t to open.

I really did enjoy this year. The highlight, of course, is meeting Rhett and Link, which I wrote about here. I honestly still can’t believe that happened. I also can’t believe I didn’t get to tell them what I really wanted to. I got so excited and nervous! I relive that night a lot. I never want to forget it. I’m so grateful for that experience. Again, it’s weird but man, yeah. A couple of guys on YouTube mean a lot of me and I got to meet them and it was incredible. I could write about this forever but I won’t. I will just say I regret getting so worked up and not being eloquent with my words when I met them. I also regret that I didn’t ask to touch their hair. They have amazing hair.

Not only did I get to meet (and hug, did I mention that? I hugged them! Goodness!) a couple of my favorites, I did something else I’ve never done before. Actually, I did a few things that were brand new! I took a road trip with my Mama to a place that neither one of us had ever been before. It was great! We got to visit this really cool city. We got to spend some really wonderful time together. We saw some really cool things. It was great! If you’re fortunate enough to have a good relationship with your parents, take a road trip with them! It will be great and a learning experience!

I got my heart broken. That was a new experience. I’ve been hurt deeply in the past and I thought I had my heart broken before but man, I was wrong. You want a learning experience? Heartbreak is the answer. It’s a hard thing to work through. It leaves wounds that affect you in a way you never expected. It makes you weary. It makes you realize that trust is fragile. It also makes you realize that some people are hard and they may be hard for the rest of their life, which is sad. I’m still learning from my heartbreak experience. I’m learning how to keep dreaming and wanting even when my greatest dreams and plans are snuffed out like they were meaningless. They weren’t though, that fire is there for a reason. It will get put to use in the right place. I have to trust in the Lord and not in people. That’s the biggest lesson learned from that whole experience. People will be people and people are broken. Lesson learned.

I also did a shocking thing this year. Well, shocking to some. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a while. I mean, like, years. Also, in today’s society, it’s not that shocking. I got a tattoo! I’ve been wanting one for years and I finally really planned on getting one and it happened! It wasn’t what I expected. I expected a lot more pain and a lot more reprimanding from my Mom. However, I’m pretty sure if my dad were still here, actually, I’m not totally sure what would happen. Like, I’m really not. He would for sure be mad about it but I think he would have gotten over the anger quickly. Maybe? I don’t know. Will this be my only tattoo? I don’t think so. We’ll see. I not only got a tattoo but I added new piercings to my ears. Not a big deal but I did that too. Well, my best friend did it actually. In her bathroom, with piercing guns, I purchased for 8 bucks from Sally’s Beauty Supply. That is an exercise in trust, friends.

There were a lot of high points this year. These were just a few. I’m so thankful that this year felt like it has more laughs than tears. That was a refreshing change. I’m learning and I hope to never stop learning. There are always new ways to grow and new things to experience. I want that. I want a life full of experiences and lessons. Isn’t that the point?

 

Nest

via Daily Prompt: Nest

At first, this word does not conjure up images of birds and unique building techniques. I mean, bird nests are amazing. It’s incredible that they have the capability of engineering their homes in the ways they do. They can be so complex! No, I get to bird nests eventually after I hear the word nest.

My initial thought is home. Not my parent’s home, my own home. I have a nest. It’s taken me almost 3 years to get almost right but I’ve finally done it. Having my own nest is difficult. Why is that? Why is it so difficult to be on your own? I’ve always (for the most part) enjoyed being on my own. Getting my nest and my surroundings just to my liking so that they reflect me. When I think about the idea of a nest it doesn’t just make think of my dwellings.

I also think of my atmosphere. My relationships. My actions. Doesn’t that represent your nest too? Maybe that’s just me. My nest isn’t just my apartment. It’s my office space. My friend’s house, the places we go, my favorite places. I think too often we limit the idea of a nest. Why have just one place where you can be yourself? Is my home my most comfortable space, yeah. Well, besides a good spot to lay in my hammock (if you have any hot tips for those types of places in NOLA, call me on Twitter).  A nest is not as limited as many people may think. Your nest is anywhere you are. At least it should be.

To make any place your nest, you have to comfortable with myself. Now, I’m not completely comfortable with myself but I’ve gotten to the point where things so bother me like they used to. It is what it is. So it’s either be comfortable enough to make anywhere my nest and feel comfortable or fret and worry about where my nest, my belonging place is. I’ve lived that life and it’s not fun.

So, my nest is anywhere I am. Where is yours?

The What If

My brain gets me into trouble. Especially when I have an extended time to myself. Does that happen to anyone else? Do you sometimes just sit and think? Think about the what ifs? Those are perhaps the most dangerous. The “what if” thoughts. They are for me. I deal with those a lot. Not that it’s right or ok. I am where I am and wondering about the “what if” isn’t going to change it.

To me the What If is a lot like the Upside Down. If you aren’t familiar with the Netflix hit Stranger Things. In this show the Upside Down is an alternate dimension, I think. If I’m wrong about that, let me know. The Upside Down is gloomy and yuck because the monsters are yuck. -Sidenote: Why slimy? Why are all alien or other dimensional beings slimy? WHY? Yick.- It’s a world where it seems that the monsters have one. That, for me anyway, is the What If. The What If isn’t always better. It’s not a ‘greener grass’ situation. I do find myself thinking about it a lot though.

Especially now. For some reason, I’ve been stuck on it lately. “What if he was still here?” “What if I never left my last job?” “What if I decided to leave?” “What if I shouldn’t have left that place?” “What if I’m wrong?” “What if I never feel like I fit ever again?” “What if I hadn’t gone to counseling?” “What if I didn’t start my meds?” and a multitude of other What If questions. Dangerous. The What If is extremely dangerous. It’s also confusing. It’s confusing because I’m not in the What If. I’m in the here and now. I’m in the place, I believe, I’m supposed to be. Yet it doesn’t really feel like it. Something about it all doesn’t fit. Which is also another dangerous thought process so I won’t go there this time.

So since I’m not quite fitting or at least feel like I’m fitting anymore, I think about the What If. I also imagine it because for some reason I was blessed with a quite vivid imagination. The What If, at this point anyway, is much worse than the Right Now. Like, scary worse. However, I get caught up in it and then it infects the Right Now. It’s confusing and very unhealthy. I know it’s something I shouldn’t do but my mind goes there easily. Too easily. I get stuck in it. However, when I come back, I’m grateful.

Yeah, grateful that the job I was supposed to love turned out to be hell. Grateful that I survived losing my first and greatest friend. Grateful that I’m working to find a place where I fit. Grateful that it’s not easy and that there have been some really, incredibly dark times. Grateful that I’ve had one person consistently stick by me. Grateful for the light difficulties and the times of maneuvering through what felt like endless trouble. Grateful to be alive because in the What If, I’m positive I’m not.

So while the Right Now is incredibly difficult at times, I’m making it through. I have found my way and will continue to. Yes, I will continue the visit the What If, as dangerous as that may be. However, if it I come out of it with gratitude, maybe the trips are worth it. Still dangerous but worth it.

Reset (An initial reflection of one of the most incredible things to ever happen.)

Sometimes, dreams do come true. Sometimes, the unexpected things reset you and make you feel like yourself, something you thought wasn’t possible anymore. Y’all, my recent (and first real) road trip to Austin, Texas did that for me.

So, the main reason for this trip to Austin was for Rhett and Link’s Tour of Mythicality. You may not know who they are and yes, they’re the dudes I’ve referred to several times on this blog. They are my favorite entertainers. Also, my favorite internetainers. They have a daily show called “Good Mythical Morning” where they move that the speed of conversation (some of you may get that tagline, most of you won’t, that’s fine). I’ve been watching GMM and Rhett and Link videos for about 4 years now. I find the show entertaining and a great way to start off my day. Also, their story is one of beauty. These two have been best friends since 1st freaking grade. First grade! They’re now 40 (well, Rhett is. Link will be 40 in June…I know a lot about these two goobers, it’s embarrassing.) and are still best friends. They’re goals as far as friendship goes. They were also extremely helpful to me personally after my dad passed away. I could watch them and feel almost like me. I could tap back into the Scooter side of myself (I should explain that and I will, another time.) I could laugh and feel some happiness. It was extremely great to come home after work had been SO crazy and just watch them and laugh. They were my friends. Which, I know, is weird but they were.

So, after they announced their book, I got extremely excited. Then, they announced they were going on tour and I knew I would be going too. At first, this was a trip I was going to take by myself. Soon after they announced the tour, I called my mom and said: “I know what I want for Christmas and my birthday.” I told her I wanted to go see them and try to get VIP tickets to meet them. Mama agreed to help so this could be my present. I got VIP tickets and my excitement reached the top of the scale.

Like I said, I was originally planning on making this trip myself. I didn’t know how I would get to Austin or where I would stay but I was determined. My mom decided she wanted to go with, which I welcomed, and I then felt a little bit better about having a way to get there and finding a place to stay. (Thank goodness for Airbnb!) It also meant I could plan a real trip that was more than just a day or two. It morphed from an “I will go to Austin and sleep in the car if I have too” to an actual road trip and vacay!

It ended up being the greatest trip I’ve ever taken. I’ve had some good ones.  This is a different category though. I’ve been to some really cool places and have seen some really cool things. I’m so grateful that I had those opportunities. This trip though. This trip was something I desperately needed. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until a day or two after we came back. I felt like me. I felt almost normal. I felt happy and lighter.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like myself. I know that may be hard to understand. It’s hard to explain. This trip tapped something in me that I was sure had gone completely away. It felt refreshing to be so excited about something. It’s been years since I’ve felt truly excited about something. It was the kind of excitement a 6-year-old feels on Christmas Eve (or the excitement I felt as a 25-year-old Christmas Eve, I loved Christmas. It was one of my favorite things and a thing I shared with my dad). It was the type of excitement that makes your heart beat faster and sets you on fire. Seriously, it’s been a long time. I didn’t think I could get that excited anymore.

Austin, though. It set me right. This tour and the treat of meeting two people I admire so much helped reset me. I think it helped to reset my relationships. It has exposed a side that most people aren’t familiar with anymore. It opened back up a part of me that I thought had died. A week out, I’m still working through the results of the trip. I feel like there are a lot. It was more than just getting to see my favorite internetainers live and meet them (more on that later because that’s a whole story itself!). It was an experience I will never forget. All of it.

I’m reset and it feels great.

 

“Fashionable”

via Daily Prompt: Fashionable  

(originally written October 4, 2017; sharing it {in a couple places again} because  my appointment got moved and I surprisingly still feel this way) 

I will be perfectly honest, I gave up the idea of being fashionable a long time ago. I have enough difficulty being myself so being fashionable hasn’t been something I hold in high regard. I like to look decent. I like to look put together. I do care about that. However, trends have never been my thing. I’ve tried but have failed. I would much rather be comfortable and feel like myself than forced into a look.

I’ve never been comfortable enough with myself, meaning my own skin, my being, to think I’m anything close to fashionable. I like being a little different and a little quirky, which has resulted in some interesting choices. Despite my lack in this area, I have always tried to have hair that is close to being on trend. I had a love affair with Sun-In as a young teen and regretted it. I’ve dyed my hair since I was 16. A task I did myself up until a few years ago. Then, I got highlights for the first time (I know like I said trends aren’t my thing. ) For almost a year, I’ve played with violet colors in my hair. However, as I sneak upon 30, I think it’s time for a change. Time to do something that makes me shake in my boots, a lot if I’m being perfectly transparent.

Tomorrow will most likely be the last time I color my hair to cover up my grey. Yes, I have grey and quite a bit of it. (Thanks, Dad, RIP VIP) A lot of it right in the front (Thanks, Mama, still love ya!) I started dying my hair at 16 because that was when I found my first grey hair and I was horrified. I kept coloring it because it is fun to experiment with different colors. Also, because grey hair is negative, to me and to my being. It’s something that supposes to happen when you’re 80, not 20. (Though most folks to have let their hair go grey, work it! It’s not that I feel negative about other people who have grey hair. I don’t. I feel negative about MY grey hair. My own grey hair is offensive to myself. I should probably see a counselor.) However, as is the case in most things, genetics are working against me. I’m also choosing to stop dying my hair to cover the grey because age is just a number. It’s just how many years I’ve been on this planet, it doesn’t completely define me. I can still be my mythical best *wink* and still have a ferocious determination to never completely grow up with grey hair. That’s what my dad did. Grey by 40 but still a kid at heart. Still discovering life and finding joy in it.

My hair color doesn’t determine the condition of my heart or mind. It’s all in how you work it! I want to see if I can. Plus, when it is grey and I get the urge to do it a fun color (which I think will be my hair color home from now on besides my natural color, no more traditional colors for me, it’s purples, pink, blues from here on out.) it will be easier! Yay! Maybe the grey hair is fashionable for a season but having grey hair and still be a kid at heart; that my friends, is a lifestyle. One I want to live.

 

The Broken Angry Heart

Recently, I experienced something new. While I’m always up for a new experience, I usually prefer to them to be happy. This new experience was not. It’s something I probably should have experienced before but I haven’t. I’ve experienced it in a minor way but what happened recently was a complete wrecking experience.

I’ve had my heart broken. Previously, I’ve just experienced heart chips but because of events that recently transpired, my heart is now shattered into lots of little, jagged, scattered pieces. It was upsetting on many levels. I still have a hollow and bewildered feeling. I didn’t understand how or know that hopes, desires, and relationships could be smashed like that. I didn’t understand how the brokenness could make itself visible and people didn’t seem to care. They just kept on. There was no wrestling on their part, they contributed to the heartbreak and it didn’t even matter. That made the breaking even worse. It made the pieces smaller. I had a hand in my heartbreak, too. I got prideful and set my vision on a dream and hopes that I thought were absolutely certain. They weren’t, proving that hopes shouldn’t be set on tomorrow.

My heart is not only broken, it’s also angry. I try not to get angry, well, I try not to let anger reside. Everyone gets angry, it’s a fact of life. I don’t like anger. I’ve been around anger that went unresolved for a long time and it’s difficult. So because of that, I made a decision a long time ago to just move on from anger. Well, I thought I was moving on from anger. Turns out, I wasn’t. I’m angry. It’s not a hot, violent anger. It’s a deep, nauseating, quiet anger. I thought it was something else. I thought it was just a lack of understanding or being too caught up in my emotions about situations. Nope. It’s anger. Not confusion. Not sadness. It’s anger that I don’t really even want.

It’s there though, sprinkled like glitter all over the pieces of the heart that I desperately want to be put back together. Anger glitter. That’s a funny concept but a concept I kind of like. It’s there but it’s not evident until the light hits it. Then once the light reveals the speck of it, it’s impossible to ignore. Anger glitter all over the pieces of the heart that was so sure of how things were going to be. That’s the truth. I was SO sure that things would work out the way I imagined they would. I was certain that for once, dreams were going to come true.

Well, they didn’t. Now, I’m left with a new experience that I’m not particularly fond of and new issues. Also, confusion. So much confusion. There’s this feeling of “Welp, I have these broken heart pieces and there is anger glitter (which is kind of maroon and brown colored…am I the only one that imagines anger glitter that way. Oh, it’s also tiny. Really fine glitter. I digress.) ALL over and I’m not 100% sure what to do now.” That’s where I am. Attempting to work through, resolve this anger and figuring out how long it takes a broken heart to heal isn’t easy. It’s real, though. These words are honest. So, I hope this can help someone.

That’s why I do this. That’s why I get this honest. Why be fake? Why put on a show? What is the point? There’s going to be someone who knows it’s not real. So, I will proudly show you the pieces and the angry glitter and the tears. As much as I hate crying and hate being down, I’ll let you see it. Because we owe to each other to be real. Don’t we?

How have you worked through your broken heart? What color do you think anger glitter is? How have you set yourself back up after being knocked down?

Let me know! Let’s learn from one another!